Federal prison FAQ, for families

# Kids

What to tell them, whether to tell the school, whether they should visit, and whether this damages them.

Where this comes from

I did the time. I did not do the waiting, and they are not the same job. Answers below tagged **Observed** are what I watched from the inside over eighteen months — whose people kept coming and whose stopped, what a man looked like walking back from the visiting room, what happened to the ones whose wives left. That is a real vantage point and it is not yours.

Take those as testimony rather than instruction. If you have lived the other side of it and I have something wrong, [tell me](mailto:josh@federalprisondude.com?subject=Family%20FAQ%20correction) and I will fix it.

The truth

## What they get told

### What do I tell them?

Age-appropriate honesty. Where they are, that they are safe, that they did something against the law, that it is not their fault, and roughly when they are coming back.

Cover stories collapse, and the collapse is worse than the truth would have been. The child who finds out at twelve that everyone lied about where dad was has two problems instead of one.

### Should I tell the school?

Generally yes. School counselors are discreet in my experience of hearing about it, and children of incarcerated parents are a recognized population with actual resources attached to them.

You are also not the first family in your district, whatever it feels like. A counselor who knows why a kid's behavior changed in October responds differently than one who does not.

### How do I handle the questions from other parents?
Observed

I only ever heard this end of it secondhand, from men whose wives were dealing with it, so weigh it accordingly.

What I heard consistently: you owe nobody an explanation, a short flat answer ends the conversation faster than a careful one, and the people who press are telling you something useful about themselves. “They're away for a while, we're doing okay” closed most of it.

The thing that seemed to hurt families most was not the nosy parent. It was withdrawing from everyone to avoid the possibility of one, and then being alone on top of everything else.

The visiting room

## Whether they come

### Should they visit?
Observed

Watched from my side of the table, over a year and a half: yes, if the child wants to, and never to make them feel better.

The visits that went well were the ones where the kid had been asked and said yes. The ones that went badly were the ones where a kid had been brought as medicine for their father, and every adult in that room could tell which was which within about ten minutes.

Small kids do better than people expect. They are mostly interested in the vending machines. It is the eleven-to-fifteen range that finds it hardest, and that is also the range most likely to say yes out of duty.

### What if they don't want to go?
Observed

Then they do not go, and you tell them that plainly rather than inventing a scheduling reason.

I watched men take that news badly and then take it fine about a month later. What I did not see was a child forced into a visiting room who came out of it better. Keep the letters going, keep them on the phone if they will, and let it change back on its own, because it usually does.

### How do they stay in contact between visits?

Letters, and it is worth making a ritual of it — pencil or pen on plain paper, because crayon and marker come back. A drawing a week does more than people think.

Their calls, which the children can share. Messages go through your account rather than the child's own; children do not get their own.

Ask the chaplain (staffer who runs religion and delivers bad news) whether their facility runs a program where a parent records themselves reading a book for a child. They exist at some institutions and not others, nobody advertises them, and families who found one valued it more than anything else on this list.

The hard ones

## Anger, and damage

### What if they're angry at your person? At me?
Observed

Both are normal and I only ever saw the aftershock of it, on the phone, from the other end.

Anger at your person is the easier one, and the men who did best with it did not argue, did not defend the case, and did not ask the kid to manage their feelings for them. They took it and kept calling.

Anger at you is more common than anyone admits, because you are the one who is there. It is not a verdict on you. It is what happens when the only safe target is the parent who did not leave.

### Will this mess them up?
Observed

I am not a child psychologist and I did not raise a child through this, so here is what is documented and what I watched, kept separate.

Documented: a parent's incarceration is a recognized adverse childhood experience, and it carries real associations. The protective factors are also documented and they are unglamorous — honest age-appropriate information, maintained contact with the incarcerated parent, and a stable caregiver on the outside. You control all three.

Watched: the difference between the kids who were fine and the kids who were not tracked almost entirely to the adults around them, not to the fact of the sentence. Contact maintained, truth told, one steady household. The men whose kids struggled worst were, with grim consistency, the ones whose contact had lapsed.

So the answer is that it is a real thing that happens to them, and the largest variable in how it lands is you, which is a heavy thing to be told and it is also good news.

Next section — part 9 of 10

### [You](/for-families/faq/you)

The part nobody writes. Who you tell, what you are allowed to feel about them, and whether you can keep doing this.

**Need help with this? Just ask.**

These pages cover the general rules. Your situation has details they don't. Email me a question. **Answers are free** , and "you don't need to pay anyone for this" is my most common answer.

[josh@federalprisondude.com](mailto:josh@federalprisondude.com?subject=Family%20question)

I answer in the order received, usually within a couple of days. I have a day job. If your situation genuinely needs more than an email, I take a limited number of consults, so say so and we'll work it out.