For families

# The one on the outside

This is written for the person on the outside — the wife, husband, parent, or adult child who is now responsible for a great deal more than they were last year. It is not a translation of [the guides written for them](/going-in/before-you-go). Your problems are different from their, they last longer, and almost nobody addresses them at all.

Twelve parts. Read them in order if you have time, or jump straight to your situation below.

Read this first

## Start with this

The Bureau of Prisons will not proactively tell you anything. Not when your person moves, not when the release date changes, not when something goes wrong. Every piece of information you get, you will have gone and found.

That is the operating condition for the next several years. Once you accept it, most of this guide is just method.

Triage

## Find your situation

- They have not been sentenced yet, or have been sentenced and are waiting to report — start at [Before they go](/for-families/guide/before-they-go);
- they just reported and you have not heard from them — go to [The first two weeks](/for-families/guide/the-first-two-weeks);
- your letter came back and you do not know why — go to [Mail](/for-families/guide/mail);
- you are trying to get approved to visit — go to [Visiting](/for-families/guide/visiting);
- you do not understand their release date — go to [The release date](/for-families/guide/the-release-date);
- something is wrong and nobody will talk to you — go to [When something goes wrong](/for-families/guide/when-something-goes-wrong);
- and if they are coming home within the year, go to [Coming home](/for-families/guide/coming-home).

The frame

## Two notes on scope

This comes from experience at a men's facility. Women's facilities differ in ways I am not qualified to write about and will not guess at.

More importantly: local rules vary enormously between institutions. Page limits, dress codes, visiting schedules, and property rules are set at the facility level and they change. Every institution publishes an admission and orientation handbook (your disorienting first days of intake), and that handbook governs over anything written here. Find it, read it, and keep it.

Start here

## The four habits that matter most

If you read nothing else:

Cheat sheet

- **Assume the Bureau tells you nothing.** Every piece of information you get, you will have gone and found.
- **Their committed name and register number, exactly right, on everything.** Most mail and money problems are this.
- **The date on the locator is not the date they come home.** The halfway house date is, and somebody has to push for it.
- **Keep a log.** Date, name, title, what was said. It is the difference between having an argument and having a file.

The guide

## The twelve parts

### [Before they go](/for-families/guide/before-they-go)

The handoff document, the papers you need in your own hands, and the three panic moves not to make.

### [The first two weeks](/for-families/guide/the-first-two-weeks)

They reported and you have heard nothing. Why the silence is normal, the four useful things to do during it, and the one call not to make.

### [Mail](/for-families/guide/mail)

Nobody in the mailroom is paid to give you the benefit of the doubt. Addressing, the rejection list, children's artwork, and books.

### [Visiting](/for-families/guide/visiting)

Approval takes weeks and starts with them. The questionnaire, the points system, the dress code, and what the first visit is actually like.

### [Money](/for-families/guide/money)

Three ways to send it, what it gets spent on, and why sending more can increase what gets taken out.

### [Phone and messages](/for-families/guide/phone-and-messages)

They call you, the meter runs, and everything is read. Call limits, the messaging system, and the Google Voice problem.

### [The release date](/for-families/guide/the-release-date)

Good conduct time, earned credits, and why the date on the locator is not the date they come home.

### [The halfway house push](/for-families/guide/the-halfway-house-push)

Nothing happens unless someone makes it happen. The referral window, the policy to cite, and the calls to make.

### [Working the system](/for-families/guide/working-the-system)

Who to call in what order, how to say it in two sentences, congressional caseworkers, and the log that turns arguments into files.

### [When something goes wrong](/for-families/guide/when-something-goes-wrong)

Medical care that is not happening, the sudden silence, transfers, and a death in the family.

### [Your life](/for-families/guide/your-life)

Who you tell, the children, the crash after good visits, and where the useful information actually is.

### [Coming home](/for-families/guide/coming-home)

The halfway house, home confinement, the conditions that constrain the whole household, and the renegotiation.

The short forms

## If you do not have time to read twelve chapters

### [The checklists](/for-families/checklist)

Thirty things across the three stages, ranked by what getting them wrong costs. Ten before they go, ten while they're in, ten as they come home.

### [The family FAQ](/for-families/faq)

Over a hundred questions answered one at a time — mail, visiting, money, their release date, the kids, and the part about you.

**Need help with this? Just ask.**

These pages cover the general rules. Your situation has details they don't. Email me a question. **Answers are free** , and "you don't need to pay anyone for this" is my most common answer.

[josh@federalprisondude.com](mailto:josh@federalprisondude.com?subject=Family%20question)

I answer in the order received, usually within a couple of days. I have a day job. If your situation genuinely needs more than an email, I take a limited number of consults, so say so and we'll work it out.