# Kids, community, and dating

Coaching, chaperoning, scouts. Almost all of it runs a background check. And you have to tell the people you date.

## Nobody writes about this — The volunteer background check

This one lands harder than losing a job.

Coaching your kid's team. Chaperoning a field trip. Volunteering at the school. Scouts. Almost all of it runs a background check, and a lot of it will come back no.

## What sometimes works — Talk to a person, not a form

There isn't a clean fix. What sometimes works is talking to a person instead of filling out a form. A coach, a principal, a troop leader. Explain it upfront and let them decide.

Some will say yes. Some won't, and it won't be about you specifically, it'll be about a policy they didn't write.

## The part that counts — Show up in the ways that aren't gated

Be in the stands every game. Drive the carpool. Help at home.

Your kid notices who's there way more than who's got a title.

## Dating — You have to tell people

The only real questions are when and how.

Not the first message. Not the fifth date either, because by then it feels like something you were hiding.

A few dates in, once there's something real but before anybody's in deep, works for most people. Say it plainly, keep it short, and don't perform shame about it. How you tell someone sets how they take it. If you act like it's a bomb, they'll treat it like one.

Some people will walk. That's going to happen and it's not a verdict on you.

## One more moment — Meeting their family

Talk about it with your partner first and agree on who says what.

Getting surprised in front of somebody's parents is bad for everybody.

If you were with somebody through the sentence rather than meeting them after it, that is a different set of problems, and they are in [Staying together](/federal-prison-for-families/staying-together-through-a-sentence).

### [Who you are now](/life-after-federal-prison/living-with-the-record)

For the first couple of years it is the first fact about you. It fades, slower than you want, and mostly because of what you build.

**Need help with this? Just ask.**

These pages cover the general rules. Your situation has details they don't. Email me a question. **Answers are free** , and "you don't need to pay anyone for this" is my most common answer.

[josh@federalprisondude.com](mailto:josh@federalprisondude.com?subject=Once%20you%27re%20out%20question)

I answer in the order received, usually within a couple of days. I have a day job. If your situation genuinely needs more than an email, I take a limited number of consults, so say so and we'll work it out.