Federal prison advice from a dude who did it.

I'm a white-collar offender who spent time in federal prison. The statute of limitations of my feelings has not run out, so here I am.

I've been through it all: Fed agents smashed through my door at 6AM, and then I did time in jail pre-trial. I surrendered to the marshals, was cuffed on con-air, did a month in the SHU, lost access to my TRULINCS, had my FSA fucked up, almost crashed out of a halfway house, did house arrest, and I'm now on supervised release.

I answer questions for free. I also write guides on how a given prison operates, how to thrive inside, and a whole lot more. I try to make the world's shittiest experience a little more bearable. Paid consults exist for people who need more than an answer. Most people don't.

Which side of this are you on?

I've written for those incarcerated (future, present, and past) and those who aren't. The two situations have almost nothing in common. The person inside has a fixed stretch to get through. Everyone else has no end date at all. Each side gets a quick version, a searchable FAQ, and a complete examination of their circumstance.

For the one going in

If your name was on a docket

Checklists, answered questions, and guides for before you go, while you're in, and after you get out.

For the one waiting

If somebody you know is going

Checklists, answered questions, and a long guide to the side of this your loved one never sees.

If you think you're under investigation and nothing has been filed, that shit has its own page. Read it, and get a lawyer.

Read first. Ask second.

Most of what lands in my inbox is already answered on this site (the search functionality sucks). There are calculators that do the sentencing math, a guide for every facility (and more coming), the Bureau's rulebook translated into regular talk.

Guides

The facility guide

How each prison actually runs, what the culture is like, and a blank where I don't know.

Support groups

The Facebook groups mostly run by spouses and moms, by facility. The best intel about any specific prison lives here.

Calculator

Time calculator

The only thorough calculator for how long they'll actually serve with a breakdown of good time, FSA credits, jail credit.

Calculator

PATTERN calculator

The risk score that decides whether FSA credits apply at all; the same one as the BOP's own internal system.

Rulebook

Annotated program statements

The BOP's own rulebook with the rules that matter, translated into plain boring English.

Reference

The glossary

Slang and not-so-slang, A&O through UDC. Know the words so you don't sound so square.

Browse all the resources

Two ways to get answers.

I write down everything I can, but you'll have questions I haven't covered. Two ways to get them answered.

Just ask

Option one

Ask me anything

You email a question. I answer it. Crazy concept.

Ask anything and I'll answer it within reason. No intake form, no phone call, no money.
Answers come from a dude who did it, not from a subscription to a legal database or lawyer.
I don't give legal advice, because I'm not a lawyer. If I don't know, I'll tell you I don't know. I may not know.

Again, I don't offer legal advice. I'm not a lawyer and won't pretend.

Ask me anything

Limited Basis

Option two

Paid consults

Scheduled times, Zoom, and my full attention.

If you're on the outside, I'll provide tips and tricks that you won't ever get on a public website.
If you need it, I'll provide my app for managing character references for sentencing, halfway house, etc.
If you're pre-setencing, I offer sentencing prep and PSR review (shit follows you around for a decade).
Self-surrender planning: what to bring, what happens, what to tell people.
Designation, RDAP, First Step Act credits, halfway house strategy.

There's limited availability right now. You can always ask me anything.

How consults work

In short: free gets you an answer. Paid gets you resources. If your question has a simple answer, I'm not going to make it transactional.

Your loved one can ask me directly via TRULINCS.

Someone inside one can email me from TRULINCS using a dedicated email address to avoid problems at the facility. You can get a copy of every email, unless your loved one asks me to keep one private (their privacy comes first, sorry).

How Insider Tools works Sign in

I did time.

I'm not a former prosecutor, a retired BOP employee, or a "federal prison expert" with a podcast or TikTok following. I was in every part of the federal prison lifecycle, and I still report to the system

I'm not a lawyer, and nothing here is legal advice. What I have is the stuff lawyers can't tell you because they've never been inside: what the first week and the first month feels like, what commissary actually looks like, how the system screws up FSA credits and what to do about it (hint: it's not filing), and which rules get enforced and which ones are theater.

While you're here: read what "consultants" selling legal work are actually selling, and why nobody can get you into the facility of your choice. Even if you never email me, don't pay those people.

Pass it on

If this helped, it'll help someone else's family too.